Only an English teacher would say…

And now for something ONLY AN ENGLISH TEACHER WOULD SAY.

In the not-too-distant past, I spent the better part of a month working with my 11th grade classes on Arthur Miller’s play The Crucible. As such, it is still fresh in my mind.

Today, we were trained in the procedures for our annual standardized tests. Part of the procedure is that the test administrator (the teachers) have to sign a document stating when we were trained, when we were given our testing materials, etc.Underneath the space for “Test Administrator” to sign was another space, reserved for “Proctor (if Applicable.”)

And immediately, I looked at the other English teacher in my group and said, “Well he’s never going to sign that…”

This has been something ONLY AN ENGLISH TEACHER WOULD SAY. Thank you.

2 in 1 Showcase Episode 254: The New DC Logo

Blake and Heather get together for a mini-episode this week, looking into the new DC Logo. Heather offers the perspective of a graphic designer, they discuss the variants, and they give overall impressions of the new look for DC Comics. Contact us with comments, suggestions, or anything else at Showcase@CXPulp.com!

Music provided by Music Alley from Mevio.

Episode 254: The New DC Logo

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What I’m Watching: Joyeux Noel (Merry Christmas)

Although I do believe in Christmas miracles, I think most of them are in a small scale, or particularly personal — they’re not the sort of miracles that tend to be remembered beyond those who experience them. But there are exceptions, and perhaps one of the most famous of the last century was the 1914 Christmas Ceasefire, when troops engaged in combat during World War I put aside their weapons for a day and sang songs, exchanged gifts, and even played soccer with one another.

Joyeux Noel (Merry Christmas) is a 2005 French film that dramatizes that day in beautiful fashion. Set against the backdrop of the ceasefire, this movie explores that Christmas through the eyes of a Scottish priest (Gary Lewis), a French lieutenant (Guillaume Canet) and a pair of German opera singers (Benno Furmann and Diane Krueger). On Christmas Eve, a German tenor sneaks his lover into the trenches to sing to his troops. As the music carries across enemy lines, the Scottish and the French join in, and something amazing happens.

The film works on many, many levels. First and foremost, it is a touching Christmas story, a nice statement on the power of the holiday to bring about peace even to the bitterest of enemies. The movie is a touching monument to a bright spot in the midst of one of the most violent times in human history. It also works simply as a war movie. Although there’s very little action or violence, writer/director Christian Carion puts forth a remarkable vision of life in the trenches during World War I. You feel the pain, the fear, and perhaps more than anything else, the sheer exhaustion and weariness that permeated the men on the front lines. What’s more, it also sheds a different light on history — we’ve all heard about the ceasefire and extolled the story as an example of Christmas spirit striking when it was needed the most. But the film also shows the consequences of that day for the men involved. How easy could it be to go back to shooting at somebody once you’ve shared a drink with him, seen a picture of his wife, or even argued with him about the name of the cat that’s been spending time in both camps? What’s more, what happens when word reaches the high command about how you spent Christmas fraternizing with the enemy?

In addition to a strong story, the film is simply very well made. The battlefield is a bleak, cold-looking place, the costumes are magnificent, and the performances are fine. The one fault, I think, comes in the scenes with the opera singers. I’m not sure about Krueger, but Furmann didn’t do his own singing for this movie, and the shift from the actor’s natural voice to the dubbed singing voice is highly noticeable and does, unfortunately, take you briefly out of the movie. Try closing your eyes at that point, it helps quite a bit.

The characters in the film all speak their native languages, so a lot of the movie is in French or German and subtitled, which doesn’t bother me in the slightest, but if you’re not a fan of subtitled movies that is something to keep in consideration. If you can get past that, though, seek this out and watch it this year. It’s a Christmas movie you haven’t seen before, and its one that I really think everyone should see, particularly in this day and age.

Where have I been, you ask?

Sorry for the lack of updates lately, friends. I’ve been a bit busy lately. It’s November, which means National Novel Writing Month. It’s the holidays, which meant that I spent last week in Pittsburgh with Erin and her family. And it’s near the end of the semester, which means I’m busy as a teacher.

But I definitely want to give you guys some Christmas content, especially after Halloween being dedicated entirely to the Story Structure project. So starting Thursday, December 1, I’m going to try to get back to a regular schedule, with as much Christmas stuff as I can throw at you. Thanks for your patience, and have a great yuletide season.

Story Structure Day 16: Last House on the Left (1972)

Director: Wes Craven

Writer: Wes Craven

Cast: Sandra Cassel, Lucy Grantham, David A. Hess, Fred Lincoln, Jeramie Rain, Marc Sheffler, Gaylord St. James, Cynthia Carr

Plot: Celebrating her 17^th birthday, Mari (Sandra Cassel) and her friend Phyllis (Lucy Grantham) head out to attend a concert, despite the concern of her parents (Gaylord St. James and Cynthia Carr). On the radio, they hear about the prison escape of a rapist and serial killer named Krug (David A. Hess), who has joined up with his son Junior (Marc Sheffler), a psychopath named Sadie (Jeramie Rain) and a child molester and killer called “Weasel” (Fred Lincoln). After the concert, the girls meet Junior, who they attempt to buy marijuana from. Junior leads them into the clutches of the rest of the gang.

The next morning, the gang stuffs the girls into the trunk of a car to take them to their hideout in the woods. On the way, their car happens to break down in front of Mari’s house. As the police try to convince Mari’s parents that kids sometimes need to just “let off a little steam” and that she’ll come home soon, the gang marches the girls out into the woods. Phyllis makes a run for it, instructing Mari to run in the opposite direction, but she’s left with Junior. She tries to befriend him, even giving him the peace medallion her parents gave her before the concert. The gang finally recaptures Phyllis, killing her in a particularly grotesque fashion.

With Phyllis dead, Krug brutally takes his aggression out on Mari. The gang washes up and changes out of their bloody clothes, while Mari’s corpse drifts away. Pretending to be salesmen whose car broke down, they return to Mari’s parents’ home and ask to spend the night. Estelle, Mari’s mother, realizes they’re lying when she sees Junior wearing Mari’s peace medallion. She listens in as the gang talks, then finds their bloody clothes. She and her husband rush into the woods where they find Mari’s body, then come back for bloody revenge.

Thoughts: Wes Craven and producer Sean S. Cunningham – both of whom would go on to father far more memorable American boogeymen – kick things off by immediately embracing the more permissive 70s in this film. Nudity, language, gore – this film absolutely catapults over just about everything we’ve looked at before. In fact, the uncut version of the film was denied an 18 certificate in the United Kingdom until 2002. The exploitation films of the 70s had arrived.

This is where that image of Splatter-Film-as-Morality-Tale really starts to kick in. Why are the girls in town in the first place? They wanted to see a concert by a band that includes the mutilation of animals in their act. Why did they get caught by the criminals? They wanted to buy drugs. It’s debatable whether or not the filmmakers were actually attempting to make a point of some sort, but no doubt it was at least a little easier to convince the censors to accept such a harsh film by convincing them that there was a moral to the story.

Craven worked hard to juxtapose the horror of the story with sweeter scenes and jovial tones. The scenes of Mari’s parents setting up the party could have come from any sitcom of the era, while the music played as the gang transports the girls to their hideout sounds like it belongs in a slapstick comedy, followed by scenes of a babbling brook that belongs in a nature film. All of this just makes what’s really going on all the more horrible by comparison. Then the singing starts… the jolly, cheerful music launches into verses about the gang rambling around, having fun, trying to leave the state, and planning to leave the girls for dead. At this point in the film, the music is the most horrible part. The cops, for the most part, are played for laughs – incompetent, ineffective, and an object of shame.  They neglect to investigate a broken down and abandoned car outside of Mari’s home, then hear a description of Krug’s car. When they come back, their own car breaks down, they’re humiliated by a mob in a truck, and even get made fools by a woman carting a truckload of chickens. Trouble is, their scenes are far more pathetic than funny… which may have been the intent, true, but that doesn’t make it any better.

Even some of the harsher scenes aren’t as effective as they could be, and that comes down to production issues – when Mari’s parents discover her body, she’s clearly moving of her own accord, even though she’s supposed to be dead. As Mari’s father begins to set booby traps for the killers, it doesn’t scare so much as remind me of Home Alone. Her mother’s seduction of Weasel smacks of a sex farce, right up until she strikes. The revenge part of the film, the last 15 minutes or so, delivers a little satisfaction, but it’s come at a hard price, and it’s undermined entirely by the return of the goofy musical number in the end credits. It’s hard to look at this movie and believe this was made by the same director who would so effectively blend horror and comedy in Scream over 20 years later. Clearly, in the interim, he learned the error of his ways.

It’s a graphic film in terms of sexual content, but there’s nothing titillating about those scenes – it’s all presented as terror. The girls are scared for their lives, forced into horrible situations while the gang watches and the audience cringes. Phyllis’s murder scene is particularly horrible, as she’s stabbed over and over until the lunatic Sadie actually gets to start pulling her organs out of her body. The zombies in Night of the Living Dead weren’t this gore-hungry, and for the first time, the color makes the blood more shocking than it would have been in black and white.

The film also uses the time-honored technique of pretending it’s based on a true story to shock the audiences. I don’t know how effective this was in 1972 – today I think most sophisticated filmgoers have become inured against such techniques. Even taking horror as a morality play, even playing into the collective fears of parents and teenagers of the early 70s, the movie is trying terribly hard to shock and horrify. The movie helped to make Wes Craven’s name, but it would be later films that made him a name worth remembering. We’ll see him again before this project is over. But this is the first one of his films – and the first film in this project – that I really didn’t enjoy watching at all.

Tomorrow we’ll more on to something I’m more familiar with and have a bit more respect for – The Exorcist.

Blake M. Petit is the author of the superhero comedy novel, Other People’s Heroes, the suspense novel The Beginner and the Christmas-themed eBook A Long November. He’s also the co-host, with whoever the hell is available that week, of the 2 in 1 Showcase Podcast. E-mail him at BlakeMPetit@gmail.com.

Classic EBI #108: The New Mosaic Comics

DC Comics has been having something of a string of good fortune lately with their New 52 venture, leading to some geeks to speculate whether or not Marvel Comics should follow suit. Now I’m not saying that I think Marvel should. I’m just saying that if they did, this is a 52-title Marvel Universe I would be interested in reading…

Everything But Imaginary #415: My Marvel 52

And in this week’s classic EBI, we go back to March 2005, a time when I’d been having a particularly crappy string of luck and I needed some cool comics to cheer myself up. Fortunately, those were easy to find.

Classic EBI #108: The New Mosaic Comics

When I’m having a particularly lousy week (as those of you who follow my blog know I’ve been having in epidemic proportions lately), there are few things that are as certain to cheer me up as finding a new comic book that I really enjoy. So I lucked out Friday when I went into ol’ BSI comics and picked up a copy of Lullaby: Wisdom Seeker from Image Comics and Alias Productions.

I am, as is well known, a big fan of children’s literature. I adore the works of L. Frank Baum and Lewis Carroll. I think The Chronicles of Narnia are great literature, and one Saturday this summer I’m going to be waking up like a kid at Christmas ready to get the new Harry Potter book. I’m also a big fan of Mike S. Miller, who’s writing this book along with Ben Avery and creator Hector Sevilla on some beautiful artwork. So Lullaby was an easy sell to me.

Here’s the basic plot – the story starts in a version of Wonderland where Alice never made it home. In fact, she doesn’t even remember her life in the “real” world except as vague dreams and shrounded memories. She has risen through the ranks and become the right hand of the infamous Queen of Hearts. Now there is unrest in the lands of imagination, and she sets out to find the source.

Lullaby is, in essence, a patchwork of twisted versions of these classic children’s stories. In addition to this new Alice, we’re also faced with a version of Jim Hawkins (of Treasure Island) who joined up with Long John Silver’s pirate crew and a spritely Pinocchio who was turned back into a puppet and, rather than break his father’s heart, fled to the other lands in hopes of finding the Wizard of Oz to restore his lost humanity.

So no, these aren’t exactly the characters we all grew up reading about, but they aren’t too far removed either. Alice is still a little girl who longs to go home, Pinocchio still yearns to be a real boy and, although Jim isn’t explored too deeply in the first issue, you get the sense that he joined the pirate’s life out of a thirst for adventure rather than gold.

Reading the book, however, immediately brought to mind two other recent comics, both of them critical and commercial successes, that use the same idea of snatching characters from disparate sources and putting them together. Here we’re talking, of course, about Alan Moore’s League of Extraordinary Gentlemen and Bill Willingham’s Fables. Comics have long taken characters from different settings and combined them, going back to the very first stories of the Justice Society of America, which took the most popular characters from the then-National Comics and put them in a book together. At the time, such a thing had never been done. Decades later, it was common for superhero universes to have sort of an “all-star” team – the Justice League of America, the Avengers and so on. What Moore did with the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen was transplant that idea back a century. Who were the superheroes at the end of the 1800s? Well, that would be like likes of Allan Quartermain, Captain Nemo, the Invisible Man, Dr. Jekyll (and Mr. Hyde) and Mina Murray. (And go ahead and pan the movie if you must, but I thought the addition of an adult Tom Sawyer was a nice touch.) Who would the supervillains be? Clearly, the likes of Dr. Moriarity, the invading Martians from War of the Worlds and perhaps even some of the “heroes.”

Moore turned out two volumes of this critically acclaimed comic book (this isn’t that big a trick for him – Alan Moore could publish a recipe for prune-flavored flan and the comic book press would declare it a masterpiece) and supposedly a third is forthcoming. It wasn’t the first time such an idea had been attempted, but it was certainly one of the best comics ever to use the idea of stitching together such disparate characters.

Then of course there’s Fables. If you don’t know what Fables is, you must not read this column much because I praise it all the time. The brainchild of Bill Willingham, Fables is a story of fairy tale characters driven out of their homeland and into our “real” world by the invading forces of a mysterious entity called the Adversary. Living among humans for hundreds of years, some have resigned themselves to their existence, while others still believe they can one day find their way home. Of all the “mosaic” comics I’m talking about this week, I think Fables has, hands-down, the most expansive cast: Snow White, the Big Bad Wolf, Prince Charming, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Pinocchio, Thumbelina, Old King Cole, Little Boy Blue, Jack of the Tales, Ichabod Crane, Beauty and the Beast, Baba Yaga, Little Red Riding Hood, the Three Little Pigs, Robin Hood, Goldilocks and the Three Bears, Beauty and the Beast and Flycatcher, just to name a few, have all been a part of this story. And while so far the Fables we’ve encountered have been mostly European or North American in origin, Willingham promises that future storylines will expand to Fables of other cultures as well.

You wouldn’t think that sort of thing was really so unusual for a comic book fan. We’re used to seeing team-ups. We’re even used to seeing team-ups among really bizarre groups of characters – Alien Vs. Predator, Superman/Madman, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles/Flaming Carrot – even Archie Andrews has met the Punisher.

And it’s not that unusual to see these characters combined in other medium, either. Kim Newman’s Anno Dracula novels cover over a century in which Bram Stoker’s Dracula survived and unleashed vampires across the world – but along the way Newman references real people and fictional characters freely. Jack the Ripper and Edgar Allan Poe make appearances alongside representations of James Bond, Superman, Dr. Strange, Buffy the Vampire Slayer and even – in a brief Red Baron joke during World War I – Charles Schulz’s Snoopy.

So why is it stuff like Moore’s League seems so revolutionary to us?

Without sounding like a snob… I kind of think it’s because these are all characters from outside of comic books. We’re used to crossovers with comic book characters – or at the very least, characters that have a firmly-established presence in comics (like Aliens). It’s different when you’re talking about characters from other sources. A lot of the general public, if you tell them you’re reading a comic book, may turn up their nose at you. But if you tell them you’re reading a comic book where the Island of Dr. Moreau is a setting, that may elicit a gem of curiosity. If you tell them about Pinocchio and Jim Hawkins sailing off to the land of Oz, people who loved those books as children will want to know what you’re talking about. And if you mention that one of the best love stories in comics is currently between Snow White and the Big Bad Wolf, they’ll have to ask you where that’s coming from.

I think one of the reasons that comics like these three are arcing up in popularity is because we comic fans realize, on some level, that this is the kind of thing that could potentially grab other readers. Someone who loves the Oz books may want to read Lullaby. Someone who was raised on Allan Quartermain will want to check out the League. Someone who studies folklore will want to see how it is being treating in Fables.

The trick, as always, is getting the word out. The League movie, unfortunately, flopped (although I don’t think it’s nearly as bad as some people say). But there’s word that a Fables film may be in the works, and Lullaby would be perfect as an animated feature. If those audiences can be grabbed and lured back to the comic books, that would be a very good thing.

Then there’s the other reason that comic fans like these three titles – the most important reason. They’re all really, really good.

Who knew? Maybe you can get something out of those books without pictures after all.

FAVORITE OF THE WEEK: March 22, 2005
It was a surprisingly good week for comics, last week, friends. Aside from the aforementioned Lullaby, there were also very strong showings from Runaways, JLA: Classified and New X-Men: Academy X, but narrowly taking the top spot for me was New Avengers #4. This team is slowly growing on me, I must admit. Brian Michael Bendis has found a logical explanation for the characters on the team now and has thrown in a good bit of mystery as well. His characterization is top-notch, and while some may think Spider-Man’s constant quips are annoying, I think they clearly indicate how nervous the character is to be counted among such an auspicious group. While the impending inclusion of Wolverine still bugs the screaming bejeezus out of me, so far, the book is really a solid read.

Blake M. Petit is the author of the superhero comedy novel, Other People’s Heroes, the suspense novel The Beginner, and the Christmas-themed eBook A Long November. He’s also the co-host, with whoever the hell is available that week, of the2 in 1 Showcase Podcast. E-mail him at BlakeMPetit@gmail.comand visit him on the web at Evertime Realms.Read past columns at the Everything But Imaginary Archive Page.

Universal Rule of the Universe #75

Blake’s Universal Rule of the Universe #75

75. If someone is basing their plans on your availability, and that availability changes, TELL THEM. Or don’t be mad when you show up three hour late and they’ve eaten your dinner and are waiting to hit you in the genitals with a baseball bat.

Read the rest of the Universal Rules of the Universe right here!

The Seven Harry Potters

This week, Kenny and I decided to do a marathon of all seven Harry Potter films in preparation for the eighth and final installment, as we’ve done other 2 in 1 Showcase movie marathon podcasts in the past. We would watch each movie, record a segment talking about it, watch the next movie, and repeat. Today we’re going to catch Deathly Hallows Part 2, record a review of that, and the whole podcast will be available tomorrow.

This time, however, I got the urge to fire up the laptop as we were watching, and do something I’d never done before: Livetweet the movies. While I would never do this with a new movie and absolutely never do it in a movie theater (I hate people who turn on their phones in the theater), doing it from the comfort of Kenny’s man-cave was fun, and I think we may make it a habit whenever we’ve got a marathon in the works.

But for those of you who aren’t on twitter or didn’t check it the last few days, I saved the tweets as we went along and I present them now to you. Read on and see if you can figure out where we are in each movie by the comments we made…

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone

• Forget Voldemort. How is it child protective services never took Harry away from the Dursleys?
• Having read all the books, I find myself watching Petunia Dursley in a new light. There’s a character with some genuine angst in her.
• I first watched this movie 10 years ago. I don’t remember it making me want to go to Orlando back then. #INeedAButterbeer
• I totally want an Olivander’s wand. With my luck, the core will be something like Ostrich feather or hair from the tail of a jackass.
• Y’know, Harry, I know you’re new at this, but it’s not a good idea to flash all your gold on a train full of strangers. #JustSayin’
• Hermione meets the boys. For some reason I want the scene to include the phrase “I’m Ron Weasley. I’m your density… I mean your destiny.”
• Kenny mentions how much Neville has grown up. I confess I get a little jealous when Erin mentions him now. #HarryPotterCrushes
• “Another Weasley! I know what to do with YOU.” Damn, sorting hat is copping a ‘tude.
• Harry, meet Percy. He’s gonna disappear without a trace in a couple of movies.
• Think about how many pictures your grandma has in her house. Now imagine if they were ALL WATCHING YOU AND CAPABLE OF SPEECH. #NightmareFuel
• For all we learn about Snape later on, he’s still a pretty big douche to Harry on his first day of school.
• A flying broom would be cool, but you know the kid riding the flying Swiffer is gonna get all the chicks.
• Quidditch on-screen is awesome. But having seen YouTube videos of people trying to play for real just makes me sad.
• I forgot how some of these early magic lessons went into flat-out Looney Tunes-style “exploding in yo’ face” comedy. #Sweet.
• Gotta admit, some of this 10-year-old CGI doesn’t quite hold up. #HarryRidesTheTroll
• Am I the only one who thinks “Swish and Flick” sounds like it should be dirty? Just me? Okay, never mind.
• I had some awesome teachers in school. But I wish the rest of them had been Minerva McGonagall.
• This is why I couldn’t have been a jock in high school. My friends wouldn’t have been willing to hex teachers to save my ass.
• Did anyone else ever think “Wizard’s Chess” was just “Battlechess” in 3-D?
• How many headmasters would give a student a Christmas present that allows them to roam the halls at night virtually undetected?
• I’d be afraid to look in the Mirror of Erised. I’m worried it would just show a newspaper proclaiming Bacon Cheeseburgers a miracle food.
• I love how Hagrid takes everything in stride. “WE KNOW ABOUT THE SORCERER’S STONE.” “Oh.”
• Having seen my 9-month-old niece chase the cat, I wonder what she’d do with a baby Norwegian Ridgeback like Norbert.
• Look at Malfoy. Smug little bastard. Can’t wait to see you whimper like a bitch in Deathly Hallows. #GrudgesAgainstFictionalCharacters
• “There is something fundamentally wrong with his crossbow. It would never work. It’s too flimsy.” #WatchingMoviesWithKenny
• I think Malfoy’s failure to find redemption in all 7 books is one of the most realistic aspects of the series. Some people just suck.
• “You don’t think he’ll try to kill you, do you?” “Who, Voldemort? Naw, he seems like a level-headed, reasonable fellow.”
• Kenny theorizes Ron officially fell in love with Herminone when she petrified Neville. It’s hard to argue with that.
• Being friends with Hermione is like having a walking, talking Junior Woodchuck’s Guidebook in your crew.
• Y’know, Ron didn’t really fall from that high up. Why is he unconscious? #WizardChessBeBuggin’
• Quirrell just took off his turban. WORST HAIR DAY EVER.
• In retrospect, the back of Quirrell’s head really doesn’t look like Ralph Fiennes.
• “What happened is a complete secret. So naturally, the whole school knows.” #HarryPotterIsReal,Yo
• Ron being a chessmaster never really comes up again, does it?
• Aaaand 10 points to Neville Longbottom. Gotta love how Dumbledore games the system.
• And that’s it for Sorcerer’s Stone! Time for a bathroom break, a quick recording session, and on to Chamber of Secrets!

 Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

•  Dudley’s second bedroom… spoiled little sonofabitch.
• Aw, Dobby. Why you gotta destroy such a good-lookin’ cake?
• Ron and Harry already have deeper voices in the second movie. Neville’s balls drop somewhere in five.
• ME: I wish I could wash dishes by magic. KENNY: It’s called a washing machine. ME: Yeah, but I still gotta put ‘em in like a sucker.
• I imagine Arthur Weasley and Lawrence Fletcher would have a lot in common.
• Hermione just repaired Harry’s glasses in Diagon Alley. Kenny points out she should technically get in trouble for that. #strewth
• Gilderoy Lockhart reminds me of every smarmy QVC host my mother ever admired.
• KENNY: Have you ever wanted to see Jason Isaacs dressed as a woman? ME: I can honestly say I have never wanted to see that.
• This movie really makes me wish my car could fly. But just my car. Not yours. #CrowdedSkies
• You ever wonder if the Whomping Willow is related at all to Charlie Brown’s kite-eating tree?
• Kenny keeps giggling at “Grasp your mandrake!” #InFairnessItsHardNotTo
• Rupert Grint really belongs to the Stan Laurel school of face acting. This is meant as a compliment.
• And Ron, trying to be gallant, slugifies himself. Malfoy is still a weasel.
• The whole Mudblood allegory is a little too on-the-nose sometimes. We get it. Racism is bad. The histrionics are a bit much.
• Filch’s love for Mrs. Norris really borders on the “creepy as all hell” at times, doesn’t it?
• Poor Ron. I’m sure there are some circumstances where a hairy water goblet would come in handy. #Notreally
• Ron is gonna try to stop the rogue bludger in the Quidditch match. Don’t they have referees for this sort of thing?
• Seriously, WHERE ARE THE REFEREES? Harry needs protection from things like evil spells… and Lockhart.
• Yeah, NFL players. You’ve got a dangerous job. But have you ever LOST ALL THE BONES IN YOUR ARM? #QuidditchAintForSissies
• The chick playing Moaning Myrtle was 37 when she filmed “Chamber of Secrets.” I’ll let you be creeped out by that for a few minutes.
• I’m just saying, if a 37-year-old DUDE spent all his time hanging around a high school bathroom, someone would be calling Chris Hanson.
• If I could talk to snakes, I think I’d ask them to get those coins from under the vending machine at work for me. #practicalusesformagic
• I just want a house with anything — ANYTHING — as cool as the entrance to Dumbledore’s office.
• I’d like some polyjuice potion, but where would I get hair from Dan Didio?
• Gotta admit Tom Felton’s acting improves over the course of the series. Draco is such a scene-chewer in Chamber of Secrets.
• You KNOW there are furries out there who just keep watching Hermione as a cat over and over and over again.
• Hermione can’t move. Ron, don’t get any ideas.
• People get frozen, so they cart Hagrid off to prison. No due process in the wizard world, eh?
• Dumbledore spends a lot of these movies basically just walking around and giving the Ministry of Magic the finger.
• Can’t decide what’s funnier — watching Rupert Grint squirm at the spiders or watching Kenny do the same thing.
• Petrified students, man-eating spiders. It’s easy to forget that nobody in the Harry Potter books actually DIES until book four.
• Well… not “on-camera” deaths, anyway.
• Five more minutes and they would have found Lockhart’s office window open, flapping in the breeze. Douchebag.
• Y’know, people whose only previous ghost experience is with Casper will find Myrtle even creepier than she already is.
• Wait, what about Quirrell? Was Quirrell’s death actually SHOWN, or did Harry just learn about it later? Help me, fellow Potter geeks!
• Myrtle offering to share her toilet with Harry’s ghost is the creepiest moment in all seven movies.
• Dammit, Lockhart! Stop being useless and go direct THOR or something.
• For a guy who’s been locked in a diary for 50 years, Tom Riddle is awfully spry.
• Hey, Harry! FUN WITH ANAGRAMS! Oh, also, that guy you’re hanging with is the Antichrist.
• Let the ink flow like blood! #SuckItVoldie
• The way all the little elements from the early stories come together in the end is one of the things I love about Harry Potter.
• Dobby seriously looks like he’s about to wet himself.
• Honestly, I think all the Hermione/Harry shippers were deluding themselves as early as the end of the second movie.
• Finished Chamber of Secrets. Gonna get some food and come back for Prisoner of Azkaban.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

• I kinda feel bad for the Dursleys. Great actors to begin with, and their parts really were shortened in the films.
• Funny-as I watch I keep thinking of bits of inner monologue from the books that were left out of the films.
• Commissioner Gordon is in Arkham? Wait, wrong franchise…
• I’d love to assign my students a book that could bite their faces off. But only some of them.
• Dementors: Soulless. Joy-killing. Beneath their hoods, you see Mike Bellamy.
• It’s odd — Gambon has been Dumbledore for so long now that when he turns up here it’s like going back to normal.
• Physically, Emma Thompson isn’t how I pictured Trelawney. But damn if she didn’t nail the part.
• As the kids walk to Hagrid’s, Kenny identifies a random bunny hopping behind them. I’ve never seen that before.
• Damn, I want a hippogriff.
• Malfoy gets slashed taunting the hippogriff. My reaction: “Douchetard.” #HatesMeSomeMalfoy
• I really like these transition scenes of the Dementors floating around the school grounds and generally messing things up.
• Not being snarky. I genuinely think they’re well-composed and well-shot.
• Parvati changes the Boggart from a snake into a clown. Frankly, the clown is a hell of a lot scarier.
• Just from a visual standpoint, Cuaron is a fine director. The camera going through the mirrored cabinet is a great shot.
• Snape gives a lesson on werewolves. For one of the greatest spies of all time, he doesn’t do “subtle” well.
• Harry falls, Dumbledore waves his hand. Dude doesn’t even NEED a wand. Bitch is GANGSTA.
• This is the first time the twins are really entertaining as a comedy duo. I totally want a marauder’s map.
• Honestly, folks, I’m not a “shipper.” I’m willing to see the relationships develop however the writer wants them to go.
• But at this point, anyone who was still crying for Hermione to get with Harry was DELUSIONAL.
• Invisibility cloaks are the Wikileaks of the Harry Potter Universe.
• If McGonagall couldn’t be all my teachers, I’d take a Remus Lupin.
• Harry swears “My dad didn’t strut!” Actually, Harry, as it turns out, he kinda did…
• Love how Trelawney goes from CREEPY VOICE PROPHECY GONNA SCARE THE PISS OUT OF YOU to CHAAK! CHAAK! Hairball.
• Hermione punches Malfoy like he’s a little BITCH. #causeheis #abitch #MalfoynotHermione
• Kenny wants a hippogriff-whackin’ axe. Presumably for whackin’ hippogriffs.
• If I was an animagus, I’d turn into a platypus. Because as we’ve learned, NOBODY suspects the platypus.
• You know who’s awesome? Gary Oldman. And he’s in a room with Alan Rickman. #AwesomeOverload
• If there’s any character I despise more than the spineless little Malfoy, it’s the disgusting traitor Pettigrew.
• Aw. Harry has a godfather. Who cares about him. He gets to be happy. For like 12 seconds.
• Odd, the clothes transformed WITH Wormtail before. Why’d he leave them behind this time?
• The werewolf attacks and, AGAIN, who tries to save Harry? Snape. Just ’cause he’s a douche doesn’t mean he’s not with the good guys.
• I would also like my Patronus to be a platypus. Wearing a fedora. Y’know. If I got to choose.
• Man. Harry passes out a lot in this movie.
• And now for the Timey-Wimey stuff. Even though the Doctor isn’t in the series until the fourth movie.
• I’m pretty sure that either Phineas or Ferb grows up to be Dumbledore. Dude knows EVERYTHING.
• Aw. Harry has dreams. Like the universe is gonna be that nice to him.
• That is one spindly-ass werewolf. #JustSaying
• “My dad’s patronus can kick YOUR dad’s patronus’s ASS!”
• Lupin is quitting over the whole werewolf thing. I’ve met teachers who build careers on a shakier basis.
• This is what drives me CRAZY about Azkaban the movie. They couldn’t spare 30 seconds to explain where the Marauder’s Map came from?
• And that’s it for Azkaban, Tweeps! The marathon will conclude tomorrow!

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

• Poor Dursleys get left out of this one altogether.
• Wait! Why isn’t Cedric sparkling? #RequisiteGobletofFire/TwilightJoke
• Love how Quidditch fans, like football fans, dress just as nerdy as comic fans do. Not that they’d admit it.
• It does, however, frustrate a bit that we don’t see a single second of the actual World Cup game in the film. Cut much, Newell?
• They get through the first 300 pages of the book in the first 15 minutes of the movie. #GobletofFire
• Whoa, Tennant. That is NOT a Sonic Screwdriver in your hand! #ResquisiteGobletofFire/DoctorWhoJoke
• Cho Chang is the Gwen Stacy of this series. The hero winds up with the redhead instead and some people never freaking get over it.
• The whole Moody storyline is one of the best-constructed reveals in all of the series.
• Damn, I wish I had an eye like Mad-Eye’s. #MakingTeachingFun
• This is really the first time in the movies we get a hint as to how screwed up Neville’s childhood was.
• “I know he’s 14, but his name came out of the cup. We’ve GOT to put him in mortal danger!” Damn, Hogwarts is STRICT…
• Call me an old fogey, but every damn kid in this movie needs a friggin’ haircut.
• The scary thing about Rita Skeeter is how close she is to journalists in real-life.
• Hey Ron, y’know what’s unreasonable? Turning your back on your best friend when someone’s trying to kill him.
• Ah, kids wearing “Potter Stinks” badges… it takes me back to my high school days…
• If I could only tell you how many times I’ve wanted to turn one of my students into a ferret…
• “What’re you gonna do with your dragon?” DAY-YUM, Mad-Eye… that’s kind of personal, isn’t it?
• And your prize for surviving: a screaming golden Easter Egg!
• “I suppose I was a bit distraught. And by distraught I mean… COMPLETELY TRAUGHT!” #IfRonWasADoofenshmirtz
• Really, Rita? The “Bulgarian BonBon?”
• Ron isn’t ALWAYS unreasonable. That is EXACTLY how uncomfortable you should feel ballroom dancing with an elderly teacher.
• “Hermione… you’re a girl.” Damn, Ron is stealing his moves from 9th-grade me.
• I know you’re 14 and an idiot, Ron. I was 14 and an idiot too. But girls don’t get THAT mad unless they’re crazy about you. #seriously,Yo
• Whenever Cedric shows up I expect him to tell Harry who to be friends with and then try to break up with him for his own protection.
• Myrtle in the bathroom asking Harry if he’s been a “Bad Boy again.” Yeah, nothing creepy about that.
• Cutting Dobby from this movie wasn’t a bad move. In fact, using Neville to get the gillyweed actually works better to develop his character.
• Saving all of the captives: Harry’s a little dense, but for the right reasons. Like most great heroes.
• “No big deal, guys. I find bodies in the woods all the time.” #BartyCrouchHadItComing
• I don’t know why Crouch Jr. is so worried. If they execute him, he’ll just turn into Matt Smith.
• In fiction, dreams always have some deep significance. In real life, I have dreams about eating pancakes.
• As the third task begins, Kenny and I each start singing “Oom-pah, Oom-pah” along with the Hogwarts Orchestra. #NEEEEEERDS
• Okay, this is in fact much creepier than most hedge mazes I’ve been in. MOST.
• You know what most graveyards I’ve been in don’t have? Giant scythe-wielding statues of the grim reaper. Bums people out.
• Aaaand, there goes Cedric. First on-screen human death in the series. I think.
• Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew. Naked Voldemort. #GrodyToTheMax
• Ralph Fiennes actually looks like this in real life. They use CGI in all his OTHER movies to GIVE him a nose.
• Wait, the parents of all the douchebag kids at Hogwarts are in Voldie’s Super Special Club For Death Eaters? #DidntSeeTHATComing
• Voldemort on Cedric’s Corpse: “Such a handsome boy.” Evidently, he’s Team Edward.
• Harry and Voldemort are crossing the streams!
• Radcliffe is coming into his own as an actor here. He seems genuinely broken up over Cedric, Voldemort, economic situation in Greece, etc.
• I TOTALLY want a suitcase like Moody’s.
• Oh man, Moody is regenerating!
• “I put you in terrible danger this Harry… but wait until you see what I do to you in year SIX!”
• And that’s it for Goblet of Fire. Order of the Phoenix, you’re on deck!

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

•  Geez, Dudley has turned into Eminem’s weenier younger brother.
• The Dementor fight at the beginning is cool. I like how David Yates didn’t reinvent the wheel in how the effects look.
• I wouldn’t want to be called “Nymphadora” either, to be fair.
• Oh good. They all got haircuts since the last movie. #DirtyHippies
• Dammit, Molly, the kid deserves to know.
• Screw you, guys in funny hats. Dumbledore is gonna SCHOOL your asses. #InCourtNotInSchool
• “Here are pictures of lots of dead people, like your parents, Harry.” #GodfatherBonding
• Enter: Luna Lovegood. Slightly mad, and totally awesome.
• Imelda Staunton is a great actress. I want to strangle her in her first five minutes.
• I could write long essays on how Umbridge is indicative of every problem in the educational system.
• Kenny says he would shove Umbridge’s pen into her left eye. My question: Why the LEFT, specifically?
• Kenny’s reply: “Because I’m right-handed.” Makes sense.
• Come on, admit it. You all wanted to see McGonagall bitch-slap Umbridge back to the Chamber of Secrets.
• Although I admit, if I could use a magic wand to make ‘em yank up their damn pants, I would.
• You see, this is what happens when you choose a minister of magic named FUDGE. In 2012 I’m voting for Candidate Jim WalnutBrownies
• Yates seems to have picked up on some of the cool camerawork and scene transitions Cuaron did in Azkaban.
• I totally want to bring back “Tosspot” as an insult term.
• Irving from Phineas and Ferb=Colin Creevy in Harry Potter.
• You gotta wonder how badly written the Civil Rights laws in the wizarding world are for Umbridge to get away with her crap.
• I prefer the Harry/Cho kiss from the book, full of tears, humiliation, guilt and self-doubt. Way more true to the high school experience.
• Snape really needs to learn to put his personal feelings aside. HARRY IS YOUR ONLY HOPE, dude. You KNOW this.
• Helena Bonham Carter has the perfect balance of creepy and insane to play Bellatrix.
• Love the scene where the kids conjure up their Patronuses. The animal forms say a lot about them, I think.
• “Dumbledore’s got style.” Damn straight.
• Hagrid trying to defend Grawp is like Emilio Estevez trying to explain Charlie Sheen’s behavior. Dude. We get it.
• You DO have to feel for Snape. And for Harry, really, when you realize James wasn’t as awesome as Harry always thought he was.
• The twins’ exit from Hogwarts is legendary.
• Hermione lies to Umbridge. Ron’s love deepens…
• THIS is why I love Neville’s character. He’s ready to saddle up and ride without being asked.
• The prophecies falling down is like every librarian’s worst nightmare.
• The fan reaction to Sirus’s death always surprised me. He was an interesting character, but never as interesting to me as others.
• It stings a little, realizing that this is the last time Dumbledore will be able to save the day.
• Dumbledore makes the classic teacher’s mistake: caring too much. #NoSeriously
• Order of the Phoenix ends. Now for some recording, then Half-Blood Prince.

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

• Five movies down, two to go in the marathon. LET’S DO THIS!
• HBP viewing briefly delayed because we didn’t realize it was a 2-disc set. Kept trying to find the “play” option on special features disc.
• Waitress flirts with Harry — blocked by Dumbledore. #WorldsWorstWingman
• Ladies and gentlemen, the great Jim Broadbent!
• Slughorn is the only Slytherin we ever meet who isn’t a raging douchenozzle. #AmIRite?
• I’m sure Timothy Spall is a very kind, generous person. But if I ever met him in person, all I’d see is Wormtail. #AndKickHimInTheBalls
• Carter puts a deliberate sexual undertone into every line she says. Or maybe that’s just how she is. #CharlieBucketsMomma
• As a teacher, it’s such a damn good thing for me that the Weasley’s store doesn’t really exist.
• Tom Felton’s acting skill on display again. He’s still arrogant, but for the first time, he seems a little scared as well.
• Harry is about to learn why college students throughout history ALWAYS buy the used textbooks.
• Gotta love a school where a junior-level class involves the creation of toxic chemicals.
• Dumbledore explains that Hogwarts is a school, not a place for “mad people.” Some days I’m not sure of the difference.
• Dude, you’re RIDING A BROOMSTICK and the best innuendo you can come up with is “getting on a first name basis”? Laaaaaame.
• The cultural influence of these films is incalculable. Because of Harry Potter, American kids now know the term “snogging.”
• Jolly old professor invites a bunch of students to a “private dinner.” Nothing unusual about that at all right?
• Man, I want a Quidditch uniform. #DamnItFeelsGoodToBeAGangsta
• Of course, Luna’s lion-hat is the fashion statement of the decade.
• Ways to ruin a Christmas party: Puking on Snape’s shoes.
• I think Lavender Brown would have been better suited in a Twilight book.
• Ooooh, so THIS is why Johnny Depp says you never invite Helena Bonham Carter to your Christmas party…
• The Battle at the Burrow is particularly well-shot.
• Harry does know what buttons to push with Slughorn, doesn’t he?
• Ron under the influence of a love potion isn’t that different from some kids I teach on a daily basis.
• Now that I think about it, Ron getting Roofied may be the last purely funny scene in the Harry Potter series. After this… stuff happens.
• Just tried to buy tickets for DHPart 2 tomorrow. Thought everything was sold out before 7:45. Realized we were looking at today. #Doh
• I like calling people “Dimbo” too. We should bring “Dimbo” back. #ButNotWon-Won
• Sectumsempra: Harry gives Malfoy what we’ve wanted to see him get for six movies… and it’s HORRIFYING.
• Why the hell don’t people drink this lucky potion EVERY DAY? Seriously.
• KENNY: A doped up Harry is a funny Harry.
• I spoke to soon about Ron’s love potion being the last funny bit. I forgot Harry hopped up on the luck potion.
• Slughorn could have dripped out of a Greek tragedy. Complete with hubris and his terrible comeuppance.
• Here we go — the Horcrux Info Dump.
• Dumbledore: “At times I still see the small boy from the cupboard.” Dude, don’t we all?
• Dumbledore drinking from the basin — one of the most painful scenes in the book. The movie didn’t quite match it.
• Harry, Harry. You shoot zombies IN THE HEAD. What do they TEACH you at that school?
• Every time they flash to Malfoy, I just mutter, “Bastard.”
• Malfoy. Spineless, pathetic Malfoy, so desperate to be important, so scared to be on the wrong side.
• When I read this scene in Half-Blood Prince the first time, I was ready to kill Snape myself.
• Then I re-read, and re-thought. By the time Deathly Hallows came out, I was defending him to anyone who’d listen.
• Even now, with Dumbledore dead and Hagrid’s home in flames, he is PROTECTING Harry. So hard to see, so clear in hindsight.
• I truly have nothing snarky to say about this scene. Dumbledore, fallen, wands raised to the sky…
• Hey, fake locket! Thanks LOADS, R.A.B. #DammitAll
• Important lessons from Harry Potter: There’s never any shame in needing your friends.
• Half-blood prince ends. Let’s record…

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1

• Literally the beginning of the end…
• Am I the only one who kinda wants to see the Harry Potter movies remade in LEGO? I am? Okay…
• Is there a scarier way to start a movie than an extreme close-up of Bill Nighy’s eyeballs? I submit: no.
• “We’ve captured a teacher from Hogwarts. What? No, none of the main characters ever took her class, it made it easier to cast her now.”
• Oh right — there’s a BILL Weasley too. Nice to see him show up.
• Seven Harry Potters. How many fanfics did THIS scene inspire?
• I forgot how early the bloodbath started in Deathly Hallows.
• Holy crap! Neville Longbottom is trending on Twitter right now! #BecauseHesAWESOME
• You know, when you get right down to it, Deathly Hallows is a war movie.
• (A friend replies with “Uh… duh?”) I mean in a classic “Saving Private Ryan,” “Thin Red Line” kind of way.
• HARRY: “Nobody else is going to die.” ME: “Hoo, boy, are you wrong…”
• It’s hard to kiss a girl when her six older brothers are walking around the house, isn’t it Harry?
• I can admit it now. Rita Skeeter is the reason I quit working for newspapers.
• The Trio wandering London makes it clear that the filmmakers weren’t concerned with setting the movie in 1998, like the book was.
• This isn’t a complaint (the year isn’t really important), just an observation.
• Hermione is getting good at that memory-erasure thing. Zatanna could have taken lessons.
• I don’t think I’m alone in proclaiming that Kreacher is a despicable little jerk.
• The entries to the Ministry of Magic are all rather… eccentric.
• Thank Goodness Ron is still here to drop in the occasional chuckle. That’s a heroic act in an of itself at this point.
• Re: the propaganda printing press. “Subtlety?” the producers ask. “What’s subtlety?”
• So nice to see Umbridge get a spell in the face.
• Ron’s arm getting splinched is pretty gory for a “kid’s movie,” eh?
• Sorry, Harry. You can’t just zap a Horcrux away.
• Sweet. Hermione conjured the Cone of Silence. #HereComesMaxwellSmart
• These scenes where they wander through empty trailer parks and the like feel like a zombie movie to me.
• All the spells Hermione knows and there’s not one for cutting hair?
• Okay, Ron, I know you’re wearing the One Ri–Um… Horcrux Locket, but you’re acting like a jerk here.
• After six and a half movies, Ron gives Harry a “SEE ya! Wouldn’t wanna be ya!” #IcantPullThatOffCanI?
• We’re at the infamous dancing scene. I know some people hate it. I love it.
• This is one of those moments – as bad as things are, as hard as they’ve gotten, as scared as our heroes have grown…
• …they need just this one moment of being kids and being friends to keep from going utterly, utterly mad.
• Harry just called Voldemort “You-Know-Who.” He never does that in the seventh book, does he?
• Wow. It gets cold and snow-covered FAST in England.
• Creepiest Christmas Eve EVER.
• KENNY: Going to a graveyard to look for your parents is hard no mater how old you are.
• You know what’s creepier than creepy old ladies? Creepy old ladies who REFUSE TO TALK.
• I’m having a similar conversation with these characters as I do when we do our Halloween movie marathons.
• I imagine having your wand broken in half to a wizard is the equivalent of getting the Joey Buttafuocco treatment.
• It’s always handy when your dead father mother’s animal form leads you to the frozen pond where the sword you’re looking for has been hidden. (Thanks to Erin for correcting me!)
• KENNY: I’ve never heard @BlakeMP say bitch so much,when certain characters appear on screen.
• ME: @Kfanguy Well Malfoy IS a little bitch. #NotJustMalfoy
• Out of all the magical cures the wizards have, they still can’t fix eyesight or baldness. #WhatsUpWithThat?
• KENNY: Its cute how they all refer to that toothpick as a sword.
• Gotta imagine Ron’s nightmare was the most awkward day of filming in all eight movies.
• Hermione is smacking Ron around, and you know he likes it.
• Hermione is absolutely the mom of this series, isn’t she?
• “Harry Potter? Never heard of you.” #ExcusesThatDontWork
• I LOVE the animated tale of the three brothers. Fantastic sequence.
• Seriously, I could watch a whole movie animated in this style.
• I can’t really blame Lovegood for what he does. He’s a broken parent. That’s… that’s just harsh.
• KENNY: Dried out hippies,don’t trust them.#JustInCase
• Geez, Harry looks like he got kicked in the face by a Thestral.
• Bellatrix comes from a long line of villains that will gleefully kill their own henchmen to prove a point.
• Luna! Hey! We’ve missed your brand of gentle insanity. As opposed to Bellatrix’s style of murderous insanity.
• Famed actor John Hurt. His second scene in seven movies.
• When Hermione is in trouble, RON STEPS UP. Doesn’t SUCCEED, but he STEPS UP.
• Yeah! Drop that chandelier! #TeamDobby
• Yeah. Yeah, this part… this sucks. :sadface:
• Kenny can tell from the handle that Bellatrix’s knife was kept in her cleavage. Kenny knows stuff.
• I am NOT getting teary over a house elf. Dammit, Kenny, why is your apartment so dusty all of a sudden?
• Now Kenny is critiquing the corpse-burying capabilities of Harry and his friends. #DudeIsScaringMe
• #OhNoHeFollowsMeOnTwitter
• Kenny is AWESOME!
• (Everyone else, please note I was last seen wearing jeans and a purple New Orleans Voodoo T-shirt.)
• Whatcha got there, Voldie? Is that a wand? Kind of an important one? Think you’re it’s master now, right? #Suckaaaaa…
• Aaaand that’s it, folks! Seven movies in two days! My ass is NUMB.

Good week

It’s been a fine week with Erin, but it’s not done yet. We’ve hit a Plantation house, a Voodoo game, the French Quarter, and today we’re hanging with my friends. Expect regular updates to resume on Monday.

In the meantime, I’ve added a handy new set of links to the right-hand side of the page. If you look under the twitter feed, you’ll see “Blake’s Books For Sale.” It’s the handy-dandy way to find all of my projects currently available for purchase on the web. It shall be updated.

A quiet week for me…

Just wanted to pop in and explain my lack of updates this week. Erin is in town, we’re spending time together, so things like the ol’ blog take a back seat. Hope you all understand. Have a great week!