Conversations with my sister: Strawberry Shortcake

I submit the following as evidence that, okay, maybe I do spend a little too much time thinking about children’s entertainment.

Heather: (Watching television) Strawberry shortcake coffee?

Me: Yeah, I heard they’re bringing the property back. Ape Entertainment is putting out a comic book with a scratch-and-sniff cover.

Heather: (Points to commercial on television) I just meant they’re making strawberry shortcake flavored coffee.

Me: Oh.

…

Me: I bet that coffee smells like the comic book.

Conversations are not transcribed verbatim. They are altered for length, to provide appropriate context, and to make them funnier whenever necessary. Frankly, all you can count on in these posts is that at some point, I had a conversation with somebody about some subject.

Conversations With My Sister: Ugly Babies

So the family is sitting around, watching my six-month old niece roll around on a blanket, which is a frequent past time for us these days. And my sister suddenly says the following:

HEATHER: I’m so glad I didn’t have an ugly baby. ‘Cause I’ll be honest, that’s something I was worried about. So many people have ugly babies and don’t even know it.

The rest of us, including six-month-old Maggie, all just kind of stared at her.

HEATHER: What?

Conversations are not transcribed verbatim. They are altered for length, to provide appropriate context, and to make them funnier whenever necessary. Frankly, all you can count on in these posts is that at some point, I had a conversation with somebody about some subject.

Conversations: The Whiteness Scale

Out to dinner with the crew, somehow the conversation turned to who, exactly, the whitest member of our group was. Don’t ask me how.

Daniel: I am the epitome of whiteness.
Mike: So am I.
Me: you can’t both be the epitome of whiteness. By definition, there can only be one epitome. We need to rate you guys on a Whiteness Scale. On one end will be Olympic Snowboarder Shaun White. On the other, ironically, is the ultimate in blackness, Barry White.
Daniel: I’m going to Utah for Mardi Gras.
Me: You just got a few points.

Conversations are not transcribed verbatim. They are altered for length, to provide appropriate context, and to make them funnier whenever necessary. Frankly, all you can count on in these posts is that at some point, I had a conversation with somebody about some subject.

Conversations in the Computer Lab

Ah, the joys of teaching. I took one of my classes to the school computer lab today, the intention being to take an aptitude test.

I present to you now a sampling of conversations that should give you an idea of the results:

STUDENT: (Staring blankly at the computer screen) What I gotta do?
ME: (Having told six different students what to do already) Did you read the instructions?
STUDENT: What instructions?
ME: (Pointing to the huge block letters at the top of the screen that say “INSTRUCTIONS.”) Why don’t you start here?

STUDENT: How do I find out what I made?
ME: Okay, click on the “Complete” link and wait for a bar to appear at the top of the screen. Okay, there it is. At the top. The top. Up. UP. You’re at the BOTTOM, that’s the OPPOSITE of the top…

STUDENT: Do I gotta do this part?
ME: You have to answer every question.
STUDENT: But it’s MATH!
ME: I know, the test is trying to find your strengths.
STUDENT: Do you have a calculator?
ME: (I look at the first problem. It’s “31+7.”) No. No, I do not.

STUDENT: What’s this word?
ME: Adequate.
STUDENT: What’s that mean?
ME: It’s a vocabulary quiz, I can’t tell you that.
STUDENT: WHY NOT???

Ignore that low, rhythmic thudding sound. It’s just me beating my head against the wall.

Conversations are not transcribed verbatim. They are altered for length, to provide appropriate context, and to make them funnier whenever necessary. Frankly, all you can count on in these posts is that at some point, I had a conversation with somebody about some subject.

Conversations with my sister: Optimus Brees

My sister had tickets to the Saints’ pre-season game against the Houston Texans. While she was there we had the following conversation via text message:

HEATHER: There’s a guy here wearing one of those customizable jerseys. The name on it is “Optimus.”
ME: That’s awesome. He wins.
HEATHER: the number on it is 86. Is that the year the show started?
ME: No, the show started in 1984. He fails now.
HEATHER: Maybe 86 is the year he was born.
ME: Optimus? No, he’s millions of years old.
HEATHER: Ass.

Conversations are not transcribed verbatim. They are altered for length, to provide appropriate context, and to make them funnier whenever necessary. Frankly, all you can count on in these posts is that at some point, I had a conversation with somebody about some subject.

Conversations with a pregnant sister

My sister, Heather, is having a baby in October. My girlfriend, Erin, instructed me to offer our collective service as a babysitter.

Me: Erin wanted me to let you know we’ll watch the baby so you and Will can go out.
Heather: She’ll be there?
Me: Yes.
Heather: Because I’m not letting you watch it by yourself.
Me: Gee, thanks.
Heather: Well no offense, but you seem kind of awkward around kids.
Me: I’m a TEACHER!

Conversations are not transcribed verbatim. They are altered for length, to provide appropriate context, and to make them funnier whenever necessary. Frankly, all you can count on in these posts is that at some point, I had a conversation with somebody about some subject.

Conversations With Erin: Paintball

As we drive down the highway, I notice a paintball park.

Erin: Want to play paintball?
Me: I don’t have any paintball clothes.
Erin: I would kick your ass.
Me: Have you ever played paintball before?
Erin: No. Have you ever fired a real gun?
Me: That’s besides the point.
Erin: (Turns on her Little Girl Voice) Baby? Would you shoot me?
Me: Yes.
Erin: (Still in character) But… But it would hurt. You might make me cry. Do you want to make me cry?
Me: This is SO not fair.
Erin: (Laughs, back to her regular voice.) And the whole time I would be shooting you in the chest. (Giggles.) I wouldn’t do that.
Me: Yeah you would.
Erin: Yeah I would.

Conversations are not transcribed verbatim. They are altered for length, to provide appropriate context, and to make them funnier whenever necessary. Frankly, all you can count on in these posts is that at some point, I had a conversation with somebody about some subject.

Conversations With Erin in Vegas: Breakfast

Like all decent hotels across the fruited plain, the one where Erin and I are staying with some help from our friend AJ (thanks, buddy!) offers a complimentary breakfast. Unlike many other hotels, ours comes equipped with a large number of teenagers here for what appears to be a volleyball tournament. The following conversation was had at breakfast this morning.*

ME: Okay, so I was getting some orange juice, and I pulled the handle on the jug and it said “citrus.” And I thought, it’s kind of odd that they would limit what they could put in the jug like that. Then I realized it actually said “Curtis.”

ERIN: (Stares Blankly)

ME: What?

ERIN: You’re adorkable.

(We observe the vollyball kids.)

ERIN: Ah, the mating habits of the American teenager.

ME: I guess I’ve gotten acclimated to it. Like Jane Goodall among the chimps.

ERIN: Do your kids wear popped collars like that?

ME: Not many collars at my school.

ERIN: Good. How about skinny jeans tucked into Ugg boots?

ME: They wear uniforms, so no jeans. They do wear the boots, though.

ERIN: So she walks around with khaki pants tucked into her boots?

ME: Yep.

ERIN: Doesn’t that look stupid?

ME: Extremely.

ERIN: Maybe we’ll get lucky and we’ll get to see a Volleyball Fight. You know, like the knife fight in Beat It, except instead of throwing knives, they’ll throw volleyballs.

ME: (Stares blankly.)

ERIN: What?

ME: And I say weird things.

* Conversations are not transcribed verbatim. They are altered for length, to provide appropriate context, and to make them funnier whenever necessary. Frankly, all you can count on in these posts is that at some point, I had a conversation with somebody about some subject.

Classroom Conversations: “And His Brother Was in New Kids on the Block”

Two of my students made me feel really old today. It was the end of class, right before lunch, and they were waiting for the bell to ring. I heard two of them having a conversation.*

STUDENT 1: Hey, you know that actor Mark Wahlberg?

STUDENT 2: Who?

STUDENT 1: The one from Invincible?

STUDENT 2: Aw yeah, him.

STUDENT 1: Did you know he used to rap?

STUDENT 2: What? Dude, no way.

I felt compelled to step into the conversation at this point.

ME: You guys are killing me. I remember when I was saying to people, ‘Can you believe that Marky Mark is going to try to act?

STUDENT 2: No way, he didn’t call himself that, did he?

I decided not to risk blowing their minds my introducing the concept of “The Funky Bunch.”

* Conversations are not transcribed verbatim. They are altered for length, to provide appropriate context, and to make them funnier whenever necessary. Frankly, all you can count on in these posts is that at some point, I had a conversation with somebody about some subject.

Conversations with my sister: Super Bowl tickets

Today, I found out that both my brother AND sister somehow got tickets to go to the Super Bowl in Miami, where they shall be cheering for our New Orleans Saints. I made a remark to this effect on Facebook, which solicited the expected chorus of “lucky bastard” and other such comments. This is the conversation that followed:*

HEATHER: Well we were going to be in Florida anyway.

ME: I know.

HEATHER: For the space shuttle launch. Because Will wanted to see one before they retired the program. And I talked him into spending a couple of days in Disney World, too.

ME: I know.

HEATHER: I should put that on Facebook.

ME: That’s not exactly going to make you sound sympathetic. “On the day we’re going to the space shuttle launch, we’re going to have to skip Disney World because we have Super Bowl tickets. Oh! And my diamond hubcaps are scuffed! Pity me!”

* Conversations with my family are not transcribed verbatim. They are altered for length, to provide appropriate context, and to make them funnier whenever necessary. Frankly, all you can count on in these posts is that at some point, I had a conversation with somebody about some subject.