13
Sep
08

Blake’s Universal Rules of the Universe

Since I resurrected this website back in June, I’ve brought back most of the stuff from the old site that was actually worth saving. Oddly enough, though, I actually have had a number (two) of requests from a number (two) of people asking for the return of a feature I called Blake’s Universal Rules of the Universe. For those of you who weren’t around for Evertime Realms 1.0, the Universal Rules of the Universe are short little quotations — usually funny (or at least intended to be funny) that I think explain or reveal a little truth about the universe. Most of them are by me, several of them are quotes by people far smarter than myself, and those are credited accordingly. So I went to the old list, I pulled out my favorites to begin the core of the NEW Universal Rules of the Universe, and from now on, I’ll add to the list whenever something occurs to me. Hope you enjoy it… especially the number (two) of people who wanted me to bring it back.

Blake’s Universal Rules of the Universe!

1. It always itches the most when you can’t scratch it without people seeing you.

2. The word “underpants” is 22 percent funnier than the word “underwear.”

3. If you want your car to stop making that funny noise, just ask someone else to listen for it. A similar rule applies to most computer problems.

4. Timing is everything. Especially if you are a secret agent trying to leap between the spinning blades of one of those unnecessarily systematic deathtraps.

5. The line between “brilliant work of art” and “pretentious piece of crap” is much thinner than many people care to admit.

6. There is nothing so irrelevant that people won’t whine about it on the Internet.

7. The height of one’s waistband has a direct correlation to a person’s age. This is why teenagers wear pants down to their knees and seniors tuck them under their armpits.

8. If you think about something at three o’clock in the morning, and then again at noon the next day, you get different answers. — Snoopy

9. Ninety percent of America, no matter how many times they read it, will always forget that “Spider-Man” is hyphenated.

10. The average morning radio DJ is on the air over 15 hours a week, compared to a television sitcom star, who only gets 22 minutes. However, a morning DJ can survive for years with only three jokes, whereas a successful sitcom star needs at least five.

11. No matter how crappy the DVD is, “scene selection” and “interactive menus” do not count as “special features.”

12. If at any point you become so frustrated you yell, “I know it’s on this desk somewhere!” that is your cue to clean your desk.

13. All you really need is love… but a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt. — Lucy Van Pelt

14. Real heroes never ask for the title.

15. Hope is like gasoline for the soul, it’s what you need to keep everything moving in the right direction and it costs upwards of four bucks a gallon.

16. In this world, there is right and there is wrong, and that distinction is not difficult to make. — Superman, Kingdom Come #3 by Mark Waid

17. Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work. — Thomas Edison

18. It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt. — Mark Twain

19. Just because you have the right to do something doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a good idea.

20. Fiction is the truth within the lie. — Stephen King

21. The worst part of being alone is the fear that it will turn out to be a permanent condition.

22. The best thing about Friday morning is the knowledge, immediately upon waking up, that in 24 hours you will still be asleep.

23. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. — Ronald Reagan

24. The same law that gives you the right to say anything you want also gives me the right to ridicule what you say mercilessly. – Dennis Miller

25. This whole country would be a lot healthier if scientists would stop trying to grow human ears on rats and work on ways to make broccoli taste like a Quarter Pounder With Cheese.

26. Blessed are the peacemakers, because what with the high blood pressure, headaches, premature baldness and stomach ulcers, they’re gonna need it.

27. Not all magic is fireworks and fanfare. Sometimes magic is quiet and sneaks up on you. An illusion is what needs all the bells and whistles to make itself appear grander than it really is, which is just a trick that can be explained.” — Bishop Nicholas, The Autobiography of Santa Clausas told to Jeff Guinn

28. The female body is a work of art. It’s smooth, it’s streamlined, it’s curvy in all the right places. The male body, on the other hand, seems to be designated primarily for comedic purposes.

29. The words “full screen” and “special edition” are inherently incompatible.

30. All major airlines believe that the best way to atone for a really terrible flight is to give the passenger a free or reduced fare on their next really terrible flight.

31. Just because something doesn’t do what you planned it to do doesn’t mean it’s useless. — Thomas Edison

32. Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love. — Charlie Brown

33. Remember when the first Austin Powers movie came out? And everybody was doing impressions? And it was funny? Yeah. It’s not anymore. Knock it off.

34. The Fantastic Four without a sense of exploration is like Spider-Man getting stung by a radioactive honeybee.

35. Peace is not simply the absence of war, but it is the presence of justice. – Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

36. There are two kinds of teenagers, those who think they’re mature and understand the whole universe and those mature enough to know that they don’t.

37. Many words become at minimum 37 percent funnier with the inclusion of a few superfluous letters. For example: “snausages.”

38. October is the only time ABC Family shows The Scariest Places on Earth, even though careful laboratory studies have proven it is 1,462.7 times more entertaining than those Full House reruns they’re so in love with.

39. If you can’t do something smart, do something right. – Shepherd Derrial Book, Serenity

40. The only difference between those who blindly accept everything and those who blindly question everything is that the latter are more likely to have an undeserved sense of superiority.

41. “Hypocrite” is the most overused and mis-used word on the Internet. Second, oddly, is “Chrysanthemum.”

42. After watching DVD for a while, all VHS films look horrible. After watching enough HDTV, you can’t watch regular TV anymore. All technologies spoil us for inferior technology.

43. In life we expect things to happen out of the blue. In fiction we won’t tolerate it. – Ronald B. Tobias

44. There are at least four distinct types of brain damage only demonstrable in the typical North American High School Student.

45. It is possible, in middle schools, for a couple to meet, fall for each other, have a meaningful relationship and break up bitterly without ever speaking fact-to-face. Sometimes this happens in the space of a single class period.

46. If you would not be forgotten, either write things worth reading or do things worth writing. – Benjamin Franklin.

47. Ninety-three percent of all stupidity is self-inflicted.

48. Things need not have happened to be true. Tales and dreams are the shadow-truths that will endure when mere facts are dust and ashes, and forgot. – Morpheus, the Dream-King, Sandman #19 by Neil Gaiman.

49. If you’ve got two good legs, one good head and no invalid dependents, you have no one to blame but yourself if you don’t get out of the way of a hurricane.

50. Heroes are like the stars. They’re always there, you just can’t see them until it grows dark.

51. The candidate most deserving of your vote is whichever one promises not to run for re-election until, at earliest, May of the next election year. This two-year election cycle is absolutely ludicrous.

52. As soon as you conceive of a bizarre pairing of two different fandoms, someone on the internet will write a bad fanfiction about that very thing.

53. Outside of medical professionals, teachers have the highest germ exposure of any major profession. They basically work in giant Petri dishes.

54. Everyone dreams of quitting their job. No one dreams of being told, “We’re sorry. Your services are no longer required.”

55. A teacher never feels as appreciated as the day after a sick day when the students had a substitute they didn’t like.

56. “You’ve got to love what you do in life. If you’re not doing what you love, you’re doing the wrong thing.” — Muppeteer Jerry Nelson on Episode #105 of The Muppetcast

57. Everybody is annoying once in a while. Some people just make it a lifestyle choice.

58. Having goals in life is important, but they should be specific goals. For example, wanting to become so famous that you are a category on Jeopardy is a good goal. Unless one of the answers is “in a hail of gunfire.”

59. If at any point in your day, you turn to a complete stranger and say, “You’re not a cop, are you?”, the time has come to re-evaluate your life choices.

60. The more entertained you are by the people around you, the less what you’re doing seems like work.

61. Anyone who complains about free pie should have it shoved in their face, the video of which should be immediately uploaded to YouTube.

62. Over 96 percent of all newly-purchased GPS devices, on their first use, will direct the driver to a place he already knows the way to blindfolded, just to “see if it works.”

63. Whether it’s a movie, video game, or potential mate, no amount of pretty can make up for an utter lack of substance.

64. Sometimes, you just have to shut up and let your friends be stupid, because you know if you tell them they’re being stupid, they’d just be stupid anyway.

65. The kindest prank the universe will ever pull on you is give you good news, then tell you not to tell everyone… yet.

66. When you’re dieting, willpower is your friend. A nasty, dirty friend who will club you over the head and abandon you when you need him the most, but not before he steals your wallet.

67. Teachers have to keep in the relative ages of their former students in mind at all times. One of the most uncomfortable phrases a human being could hear would be, “Welcome to Hooter’s! Oh… Mr. Smith… it’s you…”

68. Everybody deserves, just once a day, for someone else to somehow make them feel significant.

69. Students and teachers often disagree, but both demographics will rank “as soon as the bell rings on Friday afternoon” as the best time of the average week.

70. Illegal downloading is wrong. But Disney making people who want a digital copy of Tangled, Tron: Legacy or A Christmas Carol pay for a 3-D version that will look like crap on their home television sets in order to get the digital copy is not going to convince anybody of this.

71. If I buy something from your website, you don’t need to start sending me your paper catalog. I no longer need paper catalogs. I have the internet.

72. Kids should get tokens for naps they don’t want to take, which would be redeemable as adults for all those time we wants naps and don’t have the time. Also, I’m sleepy.

73. People who flip out over the first announcement of many are probably the same ones that quit reading books after the first chapter if they don’t already know every damn detail.

74. The next time you think to yourself, “such a small detail can’t possibly make a difference,” stop and FIX IT. Because yes, it can.

75. If someone is basing their plans on your availability, and that availability changes, TELL THEM. Or don’t be mad when you show up three hour late and they’ve eaten your dinner and are waiting to hit you in the genitals with a baseball bat.

76. When you kick your good friend Sleep out the door far too early five days in a row, don’t be surprised on a Friday afternoon when he mugs your ass and leaves you for dead.

77. If you sit in the middle of the aisles in a bookstore, reading books you have no intention of buying, when the bookstore itself has kindly provided numerous desks, tables, and armchairs, then you forfeit your right to complain if a paying customer “accidentally” kicks you in the face when I’m leaning over you to reach the latest Rick Riordan novel.

78. Sometimes the express lane just isn’t fast enough. Stores should have a “Super-Duper Express Lane” for those customers wearing anxious expressions and buying nothing but a bottle of Pepto-Bismol.

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13 Responses to “Blake’s Universal Rules of the Universe”


  1. September 14, 2008 at 12:08 pm

    Love this post. It reminds me of all the wonderful years I read your column at Nicholls and wondered why you weren’t famous like Dave Barry. You are just as good and I’m still here wondering the same thing. Also, you and Chase need to expand into a purely movie review podcast, and make it video, so we can see you guys.

  2. September 14, 2008 at 12:10 pm

    Heh — thanks, man. I’ll pass that along to Chase!

  3. September 16, 2008 at 8:25 pm

    Scott particularly agrees with:

    6
    9
    24
    and
    29

  4. 4 Kenny Fanguy
    April 14, 2009 at 1:05 am

    Just because something is smaller than you doesn’t mean it can’t hurt you.

  5. June 30, 2009 at 2:30 pm

    No. 44 — I want to know what the four types of brain damage are. 😀

  6. September 23, 2009 at 11:50 pm

    Although I will slightly disagree with #40. Having seen (& occasionally participated in) numerous “Religious vs Atheistic” threads online over the years, I can say that I’ve seen a smug sense of superiority from each side on a pretty even basis.

  7. 9 Owen
    November 11, 2009 at 7:11 am

    Re: #28 – This makes sense. Women like a man who can make her laugh. 😉

  8. 10 Mark
    November 30, 2009 at 11:34 pm

    7. The height of one’s waistband has a direct correlation to a person’s age. This is why teenagers wear pants down to their knees and seniors tuck them under their armpits.-

    So Blake is wearing pants taller than the Sears Tower?

    54. Everyone dreams of quitting their job. No one dreams of being told, “We’re sorry. Your services are no longer required.”

    I’ve had jobs that I did. That way there was unemployment.

  9. 11 Jim MacQ
    February 28, 2010 at 1:31 am

    #19– G. K. Chesterton put it this way:”Having the right to do a thing is not at all the same as being right in doing it.”

  10. October 9, 2011 at 12:37 pm

    Ha–just stumbled on this and love it. Thought you might get a kick out of mine, too. http://www.butchwonders.com/1/post/2011/10/57-rules-of-the-universe.html. Cheers!

  11. December 20, 2012 at 1:17 pm

    Hi there are using WordPress for your blog platform?
    I’m new to the blog world but I’m trying to get started
    and create my own. Do you require any html coding expertise to make your own blog?
    Any help would be really appreciated!


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