Time to fix this mess…

Okay, guys, here’s the deal. I’m trying to lose weight. I need to. I’ve needed to for a long time. I’ve got back problems that start with the skeleton, but being a beefy dude like I am isn’t helping. I’m not some amorphous blob or anything, I’m not “Kevin Smith vs. Southwest Airlines,” but if I don’t make some changes, I could wind up that way.

This is nothing new, of course. A few years ago, I started to have some bad chest pains that scared the hell out of me. Turned out it was just heartburn, but the fear was enough for me to clean up my act and start fixing the way I eat. That lasted for a few months, and I lost a good chunk of Blake. I felt better, I looked better, the buttons on my clothes got out of that annoying habit of making a “zing” noise and threatening low-flying aircraft. It was awesome.

But it didn’t last.

When the fear started to subside, my eating habits went back to the Bad Old Days of junk food and soda. I’ve got a real weakness for food. I seek out new flavors and new combinations, but not in any healthy way. New candy flavors, new potato chips, new pizza toppings, new hamburgers — this is the stuff that gets me going. And I have a hard time stopping at just one, too. Portion control may well be my greatest nemesis. It’s hard. Figuring out how much you need to eat instead of how much you want to eat has always proven incredibly difficult for me. So has eating at the right times — another problem I have, as I often have a tendency to skip breakfast and pig out later in the day. I know that’s a mistake, I know that keeping your body on a regular schedule is one of those things your metabolism needs if it’s going to burn off the calories.

Making it even harder, for me, is the fact that this isn’t exactly a project with an endgame. I will never be “finished” this this. I don’t have a target weight, because I don’t really care specifically what I weigh. My target is, “current weight minus enough to stop these problems.” And it’s not like I can stop even then, because I never want to start creeping back in this direction. This is about changing my life and changing how I operate for the rest of my life. Even though I know that 20 years from now, when McDonald’s unveils some new “Juicy Off-The-Endangered-List Bison Burger,” my first instinct is going to be to rush out and try it.

I’m not posting this online because I’m looking for sympathy or pity or — god forbid — advice. Nothing personal, friends, but I already know what I need to do: as Walton and Johnson say, “eat less and move around more.” And while I do appreciate your concern, when a fat guy is sitting around having already eaten his single-portion chicken and salad for the evening, urges still telling him he wants more even though the brain knows he doesn’t, there’s nothing more irritating than well-intentioned friends  telling him how their uncle’s nephew’s sister’s koi pond cleaner took off 55 pounds by inhaling powdered snakeskin twice a week.

I’m posting this to keep myself honest. I’ve tried a lot of times to change things, only to slip up in days because I hadn’t told anybody and no one was going to hold me accountable if I stopped at Burger King on the way home. But if I put it out there, if I say it to the world, then I’ve got it in the back of my head that if I screw up, someone may be disappointed. And for me, that’s a far more unacceptable outcome than anything that only affects me, like potential diabetes. I just want to know someone is keeping track of me, because that will help keep me going.

And if you just plain don’t give a crap about all my personal nonsense, I understand that too. I promise, it won’t be a regular thing here. Just every so often, when I need it. Just enough to keep me honest.

4 Responses to “Time to fix this mess…”

  1. March 9, 2010 at 9:15 pm

    I love you, bro. You gotta do what you gotta do. It is very difficult for us creative types to do something out of pure routine… but start working on it now, before you have dependents who will look you in the face and say “Daddy, why are you fat?” And buddy, that is something nobody should have to go through. You’re doing the right thing. Don’t be afraid to get sweaty, either. Like they say on Biggest Loser, “It’s okay to see fat people working out. At least they’re working on it.”

    If you need anything, you know who you can call, and I’m not talking about Bill Murray and Dan Akroyd.

  2. 3 Dawn
    March 11, 2010 at 7:25 pm

    Good stuff, Blake. I’m rooting for you!

  3. 4 Anne
    March 14, 2010 at 9:09 am

    Good for you, Blake.

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