Time Travel Tuesdays: Rage on the Red Carpet

Ah, 2002. Friends was still iffy for its next season. Lord of the Rings was conquering the box office. And awards shows sucked just as hard as they do today. Let’s travel back in time to see my thoughts on such a show a looooong time ago…

January 26, 2002

Rage on the Red Carpet

I have often found myself flabbergasted by the phenomenon of celebrity rage. When you’re getting $20 million to make out with Denise Richards, seriously, what on Earth are you complaining about?

But with award season now upon us (the Oscars are turning brown, the Grammys are falling from the trees), I think I’m seeing evidence of what could drive a person with more money than any rational human could possibly need to want to pull out a microphone stand and beat someone into submission.

In one word: idiot reporters.

As part of a massive conspiracy between E!, Disney, the Fox Network and that guy in the black van who parks outside the office three days a week, I was forced to watch the Golden Globes “pre-show” Sunday night, where the stars arrive, are herded through a security checkpoint that would confiscate a safety pin from Mother Theresa and then are forced to confront a throng of reporters with inane questions that quite reasonably would make any sane person want to choke them with their necktie and stuff them in Sir Anthony Hopkins’s freezer.

To illustrate my point, I have taken the liberty of transcribing some of the conversations heard on the Red Carpet at this year’s Golden Globe Awards.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

“Entertainment Tonight”: Hi, I’m here with Matthew Perry of the hit show “Friends,” which is nominated tonight for favorite comedy series. Matthew, what are the chances for a ninth season of your show?

Matthew Perry: No comment.

“Extra”: Ladies and gentlemen we’re here tonight with the lovely Jennifer Connelly, nominated for best supporting actress for “A Beautiful Mind.” Jennifer, you’ve gotten a lot of attention since this movie came out — does this whole Hollywood scene still overwhelm you sometimes?

Jennifer Connelly: What kind of idiot question is that? What, do you think I’m some greenhorn out of the sticks who got plucked from a stage production of “Our Town”? I’ve been making movies since I was 15 years old! How about “Labyrinth,” huh? How about “The Rocketeer”? How about “Requiem For a Dream”? How about “Dark City”? I ought to take that microphone and–

“Extra”: Oh, we’ll have to get back to you Jennifer, because here’s Lisa Kudrow of the hit TV show “Friends.” Lisa, there’s been a lot of talk about whether your show will continue after this season–

Lisa Kudrow: No comment.

Wacky Reporter From “The Tonight Show”: Dude, look, it’s Ron Howard. He directed that movie with the Crowe guy… um… “A Mind is a Beautiful Thing to Waste,” or something like that. Hey, Opie! Nice job!

Ron Howard: Oh for cryin’ out loud… would you quit with the “Opie” cracks already? That was 40 years ago! I’m a grown man now! I’m an award-winner! I’m bald! I directed “Willow,” do you hear me? I directed “Willooooooow…”

“Today Show”: Would somebody keep Ron Howard quiet? I can’t hear Jennifer Aniston from “Friends” answer my question. Jennifer–

Jennifer Aniston: No comment.

“E! News Daily”: I’m here with Sir Ian McKellan, the star of the hit movie “The Lord of the Rings.”

Elijah Wood: Hey, what about me?

“E!”: Shut up. Ian, your movie is nominated for best picture. Do you think there’s going to be some “magic” for you guys tonight? Ha, ha!

Ian McKellan: Why do you people always think that joke is funny? It’s not. It wasn’t the first time, it wasn’t the 5,000th time. Do you all share a brain or do you just rip off each other’s material because your unicellular brains can’t come up with anything original?

“E!”: Well Sir Ian, it was just a joke…

Elijah Wood: I thought it was funny!

Ian McKellan: I’ll see you in Hell.

“CBS This Morning”: We’re here with Matt LeBlanc, one of the stars of the popular series “Friends.” Matt, about that ninth season…

Matt LeBlanc: Well, we’ve discussed it at great length with each other, with the crew, with the producers, and we think it’s important — (Silenced by a flying tackle from David Schwimmer.)

Joan Rivers: This is Joan Rivers reporting to you live from–

Everybody: (Pounds Joan Rivers to oblivion).

American Viewing Public: Thank you!

Blake M. Petit is still miffed that the brilliance of “Glitter” was overlooked. Okay, he’s lying. Contact him with comments, suggestions or a little statuette at BlakeMPetit@gmail.com

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