Conversations With My Sister: Ugly Babies

So the family is sitting around, watching my six-month old niece roll around on a blanket, which is a frequent past time for us these days. And my sister suddenly says the following:

HEATHER: I’m so glad I didn’t have an ugly baby. ‘Cause I’ll be honest, that’s something I was worried about. So many people have ugly babies and don’t even know it.

The rest of us, including six-month-old Maggie, all just kind of stared at her.

HEATHER: What?

Conversations are not transcribed verbatim. They are altered for length, to provide appropriate context, and to make them funnier whenever necessary. Frankly, all you can count on in these posts is that at some point, I had a conversation with somebody about some subject.

Conversations in the Computer Lab

Ah, the joys of teaching. I took one of my classes to the school computer lab today, the intention being to take an aptitude test.

I present to you now a sampling of conversations that should give you an idea of the results:

STUDENT: (Staring blankly at the computer screen) What I gotta do?
ME: (Having told six different students what to do already) Did you read the instructions?
STUDENT: What instructions?
ME: (Pointing to the huge block letters at the top of the screen that say “INSTRUCTIONS.”) Why don’t you start here?

STUDENT: How do I find out what I made?
ME: Okay, click on the “Complete” link and wait for a bar to appear at the top of the screen. Okay, there it is. At the top. The top. Up. UP. You’re at the BOTTOM, that’s the OPPOSITE of the top…

STUDENT: Do I gotta do this part?
ME: You have to answer every question.
STUDENT: But it’s MATH!
ME: I know, the test is trying to find your strengths.
STUDENT: Do you have a calculator?
ME: (I look at the first problem. It’s “31+7.”) No. No, I do not.

STUDENT: What’s this word?
ME: Adequate.
STUDENT: What’s that mean?
ME: It’s a vocabulary quiz, I can’t tell you that.
STUDENT: WHY NOT???

Ignore that low, rhythmic thudding sound. It’s just me beating my head against the wall.

Conversations are not transcribed verbatim. They are altered for length, to provide appropriate context, and to make them funnier whenever necessary. Frankly, all you can count on in these posts is that at some point, I had a conversation with somebody about some subject.

Classroom Conversations: “And His Brother Was in New Kids on the Block”

Two of my students made me feel really old today. It was the end of class, right before lunch, and they were waiting for the bell to ring. I heard two of them having a conversation.*

STUDENT 1: Hey, you know that actor Mark Wahlberg?

STUDENT 2: Who?

STUDENT 1: The one from Invincible?

STUDENT 2: Aw yeah, him.

STUDENT 1: Did you know he used to rap?

STUDENT 2: What? Dude, no way.

I felt compelled to step into the conversation at this point.

ME: You guys are killing me. I remember when I was saying to people, ‘Can you believe that Marky Mark is going to try to act?

STUDENT 2: No way, he didn’t call himself that, did he?

I decided not to risk blowing their minds my introducing the concept of “The Funky Bunch.”

* Conversations are not transcribed verbatim. They are altered for length, to provide appropriate context, and to make them funnier whenever necessary. Frankly, all you can count on in these posts is that at some point, I had a conversation with somebody about some subject.

Conversations with my sister: Super Bowl tickets

Today, I found out that both my brother AND sister somehow got tickets to go to the Super Bowl in Miami, where they shall be cheering for our New Orleans Saints. I made a remark to this effect on Facebook, which solicited the expected chorus of “lucky bastard” and other such comments. This is the conversation that followed:*

HEATHER: Well we were going to be in Florida anyway.

ME: I know.

HEATHER: For the space shuttle launch. Because Will wanted to see one before they retired the program. And I talked him into spending a couple of days in Disney World, too.

ME: I know.

HEATHER: I should put that on Facebook.

ME: That’s not exactly going to make you sound sympathetic. “On the day we’re going to the space shuttle launch, we’re going to have to skip Disney World because we have Super Bowl tickets. Oh! And my diamond hubcaps are scuffed! Pity me!”

* Conversations with my family are not transcribed verbatim. They are altered for length, to provide appropriate context, and to make them funnier whenever necessary. Frankly, all you can count on in these posts is that at some point, I had a conversation with somebody about some subject.

Conversations With Dad: Avatar

DAD: Is Avatar worth seeing in IMAX 3-D?

ME: Eh… the visuals are worth seeing. I didn’t care for the story.

DAD: But you saw it in 3-D?

ME: Yeah.

DAD: Do you have to wear the glasses?

ME: Yeah.

DAD: The whole movie?

ME: All three hours of it.

DAD: THREE HOURS?