It’s a new Time Travel Tuesdays, friends, and I’ve been eagerly awaiting the end of October to show this one off. We’re traveling back to Oct. 20, 2007, when I decided to do my first-ever toy review column over at the then-Comixtreme.com. As I started to present the Mini-Mates figures based on the Marvel Zombies, though… well… things got a little out of hand. Even now, three years later, this is one of my favorite pieces I’ve ever written. I do, however, think my photography skills have gotten at least a tad better since then. I hope you all enjoy it!
The Marvel Zombie Mini-Mates Present… Themeslves!
Hey, friends. I’d promised you all a sort of photo-intensive examination of a new toy line to go along with my frequent and expansive Halloween celebration. The thing with these toys is… well… they sort of have brains of their own… and they want to eat yours, while we’re on the subject. So in the interest of keeping my own cerebellum intact, I agreed to step back behind the camera and let the guys speak for themselves. Oh – and you can click on every picture for a bigger one. Luke Cage made sure I told you that. So, without further ado, allow me to present…
THE MARVEL ZOMBIES MINI-MATES!
ZOMBIE COLONEL AMERICA: Greetings, meatbags! I am Colonel America, one-time leader of the Avengers, and now leader of this dandy little band of flesh-eaters. Y’see, when our Earth started to get overrun by a zombie plague—
ZOMBIE SPIDER-MAN: Thank you very much, Quicksilver!
ZOMBIE COLONEL AMERICA: –Ahem. Yes. Well, when our world got overrun, at first we fought against infection, but when we got bit ourselves… well…
ZOMBIE POWER MAN: It was awesome.
ZOMBIE HULK: Zombie Hulk hungry! Zombie Hulk eat Fuzzy Man With Camera?
ZOMBIE COLONEL AMERICA: Not yet, Hulk. So anyway, we decided to take this opportunity to introduce ourselves to you. To show you just what we’re capable of. And most importantly, to make you realize…
ZOMBIE COLONEL AMERICA: There is no escape!
ZOMBIE GIANT-MAN: Hi! I’m Zombie Giant-Man.
ZOMBIE DAREDEVIL: And I’m Zombie Daredevil. The first MARVEL ZOMBIES MINI-MATES set included five figures… and we weren’t among them. We came in this exclusive two-pack you could only get at the San Diego Comic Con… or, like Blake, from a guy who owns a comic shop and attended the San Diego Comic Con.
ZOMBIE DAREDEVIL: You will discover, however, that this does nothing to decrease our general level of Awesometude. If you look closely, you’ll see that the chunks that have been taken out of my flesh are represented by clear plastic. At least that’s what they tell me – even as a zombie, I’m blind. I also come with these two handy fighting staffs that I can hold thusly or stuck in the little pouch on my belt, where they will almost immediately fall out. Oh – and I got trained by a Ninja.
ZOMBIE GIANT-MAN: Hey, gang! I’m Zombie Giant-Man, and with me today is the zombified head of my ex-wife, the Wasp.
ZOMBIE GIANT-MAN: Yes, dear.
ZOMBIE WASP: You’d think being reduced to a starving, undead, disembodied head would strain a relationship, but aside from not being able to change my costume as much as I used to, things are pretty much the same.
ZOMBIE POWER-MAN: Well, now that the bit players are out of the way, it’s time for the big boys to step up, and we’re starting with me! SWEET HALLOWEEN!
Get it? Because I used to say “Sweet Christmas” when I was alive and it was the 70s and… ah, never mind.
Anyway, I’m Luke Cage, sometimes called Power Man, and I’m still the baddest chunk of plastic in the toy chest. Daredevil thinks he’s tough ‘cause he has a couple of holes? Check me out! My whole left side is missin’, and I’ll still whip anyone tries to get between me… and lunch. Heh heh heh…
ZOMBIE WOLVERINE: Hey, bub – Wolverine here, the most popular mutant in all comicdom. When I was alive, I had ultra-heightened senses, nifty retractable claws, unbreakable bones, an awesome healing factor and the ability to appear in 74 comic books a week! Now that I’m dead, the healing factor seems to have gone on the fritz, but the rest of the stuff works just dandy. I may not know how me turning into a zombie jives with what Marc Guggenheim is writing about me fightin’ death over in my own comic, but I have learned one other thing these claws of mine are great for… shish-ke-bob!
ZOMBIE HULK: RAAAAWR!!! ZOMBIE HULK STILL HUNGRY!!!!
ZOMBIE SPIDER-MAN: Um… thanks, Hulk.
I know, I’m still kinda torn up about that.
But… but it’s still better than what Joe Quesada is doing to ‘em over in One More Day! Right?
GHOST RIDER: I am the Ghost Rider! Spirit of vengeance! Keeper of the eternal Hellfire and my blazing—
ZOMBIE COLONEL AMERICA: NO! NO, NO, NO!
ZOMBIE COLONEL AMERICA: For the last time, you are not a zombie! Now get out of our pumpkin patch!
GHOST RIDER: Fine, fine… didn’t want to be in your stupid article anyway…
ZOMBIE COLONEL AMERICA: And you better not be Nicolas Cage under there, either!!!
ZOMBIE COLONEL AMERICA: And that leaves me, folks, Colonel America. Once the Sentinel of Liberty, now I’m the leader of this motley bunch of brain-eaters. Even having my own brain exposed hasn’t gotten me down, though – I’m undead and lovin’ every minute of it! Some people have asked me why I’m a colonel while most of my counterparts throughout the multiverse have achieved the rank of Captain. Well, what can I say? I’d hate for it to be seen as unprofessional when I… have lunch with the enlisted men! Bwaa-haha!!
The zombie virus also gives us all terrible senses of humor.
ZOMBIE COLONEL AMERICA: So that’s us, folks, the Marvel Zombie Mini-Mates! We hope you’ve enjoyed this little look into our lives, and if we show up for dinner some night, we hope you’ll have us!
…cause you know we’d be eager to have you! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! HAHAHA—
WHOP!
SPLORTCH!
ZOMBIE COLONEL AMERICA: –HAHA—THE HELL???
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Look out, you disgusting ghouls!
POWER MAN: The real Marvel Mini-Mates are here to show you who’s boss!
ULTIMATE SPIDER-MAN: Hey, how come you have to take off your hand when you wear your shield?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Shut up…
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers Assemble!
ZOMBIE COLONEL AMERICA: Zombie Avengers… um… Get ‘em!
POWER MAN: “Sweet Halloween?” “SWEET HALLOWEEN?” You know how long it took me to get them to stop writing “Sweet Christmas?”
ZOMBIE POWER MAN: Aw, c’mon, don’t treat a brother this way!
POWER MAN: “Brother?” Well look out, “Brother,” I’m gonna use your plastic guts to decorate my Haunted House!
DAREDEVIL: I may be “Battle-Damaged,” but I can still whip YOUR lousy—OW! OW! Can somebody get the Zombie Wasp off my ankle, please?
ZOMBIE WASP: Nom nom nom…
POW!
POW!
DAREDEVIL: Whammo! Double Boot To Da Head!
THWOCK!
ZOMBIE GIANT-MAN: …
WOLVERINE: Hi-YAH! Uh… I mean, SNIKT!
ZOMBIE WOLVERINE: Ow! Hey! You cut me in half!
WOLVERINE: That’s right! Now you can make twice as many guest appearances a month! Heh… heh…
ZOMBIE HULK: Zombie Hulk SMASH!
KILOWOG: Bring it on, ya Poozer! I’ll rip ya limb from—
ZOMBIE HULK: Hey, wait. You not not-dead version of Zombie Hulk. You Pink Green Lantern!
KILOWOG: Yyyyeah, about that… Blake doesn’t have a Hulk Mini-Mate toy. I volunteered to fill in.
ZOMBIE HULK: Zombie Hulk been reading Sinestro Corps War! Zombie Hulk think you da MAN!
KILOWOG: Really? Aw, shucks, that’s sweet of you to say…
ULTIMATE SPIDER-MAN: I mean, you ate Mary Jane and Aunt May? How sick are you?
ZOMBIE SPIDER-MAN: I know, I know! :sob: Oh, kick me again! I deserve it! :sob:
ULTIMATE SPIDER-MAN: And another thing – knock it off with all the variant covers! It was cute at first, but how many times are you gonna reprint the hardcover with different covers before you put out a paperback?
ZOMBIE SPIDER-MAN: Oh, God, it’s all my fault! I’m a terrible – hey, why don’t you have any webs on your costume?
ULTIMATE SPIDER-MAN: Because I’m ULTIMATE!
ZOMBIE COLONEL AMERICA: Looks like it’s down to me and you, you pansy.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Ready when you are, you psychopath.
ZOMBIE COLONEL AMERICA: Time to show you how we do things in my America.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: America? America isn’t your country, monster, it’s HELL!
ZOMBIE COLONEL AMERICA: Haven’t you given that speech before?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: That was an issue of What If? , it doesn’t count.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: You know why you’re going to lose, monster?
ZOMBIE COLONEL AMERICA: Oh – hey, wait—
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Because we’re fighting for truth! Because we’re fighting for JUSTICE!
ZOMBIE COLONEL AMERICA: :gurgle:
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Because real Americans don’t eat other Americans!*
*Editor’s Note-Captain America considers all known cannibals to be de facto Canadians, including Jeffrey Dahmer, Alferd Packer, and of course, Rosie O’Donnell.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Okay, let’s get these monsters back into their box.
ZOMBIE HULK: ‘BYE, PINK LANTERN!
KILOWOG: Bye, ya Poozer! Y’know, he wasn’t so bad…
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Close it, Logan!
CHARLIE BROWN: Mr… Um… Captain? Sir? Can we have our Pumpkin Patch back now?
SNOOPY: Ah, the Captain! So good to see him again. Why, I remember that time in occupied France when we met those saucy waitresses…
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Why, sure, kids! The zombies are all defeated, and back in the box. It’s perfectly safe here now. Why…
CAPTAIN AMERICA: What else could possibly happen?
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