I guess it’s up to me to fix the NFL…

Okay, everybody, I guess it’s up to ME to fix the NFL. AGAIN. Listen up, here’s what we have to do:

1. First of all, we all agree that Roger Goodell is a lying sack of crap that needs to go, right? Nobody is buying this “I didn’t know” garbage regarding Ray Rice anymore, and we know Goodell wasn’t going to do anything because there was no chance of the Ravens playing in a home field Super Bowl this year, so why wouldn’t he try to cover it up? What’s more, with the two or three or 19 (I’ve lost count) other players currently being investigated for assorted violent crimes, the fans are finally good and fed up with this stuff. The thing is, the NFL doesn’t actually care what we think. Hell, they don’t even care what the majority of players and coaches think, save for a few pets in the Commissioner’s pocket. Our opinion is worthless, they just want our money.

So we need to stop giving it to them. Stop watching the games. Stop attending the games. Stop buying NFL merchandise until Roger Goodell and anybody else involved in covering up violent crimes is unceremoniously removed from their position. Of course, even if we COULD convince millions of football fans to do this, that would only be a drop in the bucket to the money this “non-profit organization” pulls in annually, so that brings me to step two:

2. We need to stop supporting their SPONSORS. The companies that give the NFL their REAL money are already pissed off about all this, and they have FAR more influence than we do, so it wouldn’t take too much to get THEM to turn up the heat. So until Goodell and company are gone, we need to stop supporting companies including — but not limited to — Anheuser-Busch, McDonald’s, Coca-Cola, Gatorade, Visa, FedEx, Nike, etc. Oh. And Covergirl. Why the hell the NFL has an official cosmetic brand is beyond me, but there you are.

3. So let’s say we take out the trash in the front office. The NFL will still have a black eye as long as we’re convinced this crap will just keep happening… and it WILL keep happening with the NFL’s current policies. Here’s the most absurd thing — to me, at least — about this whole affair. As ludicrous as Ray Rice’s original two-game suspension was, it was IN KEEPING WITH NFL POLICY FOR THIS TYPE OF INCIDENT. SERIOUSLY.

So the policy needs to be changed. Any player (or coach or staff member, for that matter) indicted for a violent crime needs to be placed on immediate suspension pending an investigation. Anyone CONVICTED of a violent crime needs to be expelled from the League. Permanently.

There we go, football is saved. You’re welcome. Call me back tomorrow, I’ll tell you how to fix Hollywood.

Everything But Imaginary #462: Six Comic Characters Who’d Make Good Replacement Replacement Refs

Fans of televised comedy, over the past few weeks, have found themselves in something of a golden age. There is a new troupe of clowns on TV that are goofier than the Marx Brothers, less logical than the Kids in the Hall, and more chaotic than Monty Python at their peak. You know them as the NFL Replacement Referees. But things are getting tense and something needs to be done. So this week, I suggest six comic characters who’d e better than the zebras we’ve got wandering around aimlessly right now.

Everything But Imaginary #462: Six Comic Characters Who’d Make Good Replacement Replacement Refs